Before my list begins let me say, this is a vulnerable, honest list in hopes that healing fully comes in saying it "out loud". I don't walk around all day feeling every one of these things at one time...but they are all ever present in my flesh. And I pray that others walking through long adoptions will be encouraged when they realize they are not alone in these faults. But that God is working in each of us to complete the good work he has begun...a plan that started while we were yet sinners. He is good. I am not. But he's making something out of me and he will do the same for our Sunny too.
Confessions of a Waiting Mom... #1: On days when I have many things to get done and two beautiful children at my heels, I often vanish into the imagination of what the day will be like when I realize I can take Sunny home. "Imagination" isn't exactly the right word. I almost go to another place, transcend into another world and fully feel the overwhelming joy and relief that day will bring. I cry like it's really happening right at that moment. A well-written play to be acted out in my mind regularly (drama-queen, I know). This morning I entered that place thinking of the moment Sunny and I step out of pastor's car at the airport realizing I will miss his dear, deep eyes and pleasant smile but relishing that I don't have to leave Sunny ever again. Tears well up at the thought, as the scene plays out in my mind.... And then I snap back to reality...another reason to cry. The time has not yet come. I don't walk around crying all day, just in case you were starting to feel concerned for me. But I do have those moments when I imagine Sunny is home and hope has been realized rather than deferred.
Jesus protect my heart from the sickness that comes when hope is pushed back and fill me with joy in the honor I have been given to wait on you. Help me live in the present fully; enjoying the children you have given me as I wait for Sunny to join us. Help me tear down imaginations that can lead to false expectations so I can live in the authentic reality of this journey, worshipping you in this present waiting.
#2: Watching other adoptions move beautifully through to completion for other friends is so beautiful.... But it also stings. I'm jealous they get to move on and enjoy life with their new child while Sunny still has to wait. At the same time, I have a number of friends even further behind in their adoptions....who will wait even longer than we have for Sunny. Perspective is a must-have that is not easily grasped.
Jesus, give me a heart for every orphan, like your heart. Let me fully rejoice for each one's homecoming. Let me fully devote to pray for those who must wait longer. And help me wait better....selflessly.
#3: I have faith God hears me and sees Sunny and that he will bring her home eventually. But I often doubt he'll really move mountains for us. Sure, I have moments of great, doubtless faith... But after two years of waiting - those two years including watching her face grow and change, it's hard to really believe this is the moment when everything will change and He will make it happen.
Jesus, increase my faith.
#4: There is a beautiful, godly older orphan who has taken Sunny in at HCRM...she's like Sunny's mom. While I find this good and important and reassuring that she is being watched and cared for, I am also jealous that she gets to be Sunny's mom-figure right now and I grieve when I think of how much Sunny will miss her once home. How can I have so many mixed emotions about this simple act of love? God has provided for Sunny an important, emotional attachment and yet I am wanting that all for myself. The ache is so big.
Jesus, teach me to trust in your plan even when it hurts. Help me to see that you are loving Sunny well in giving her this precious mother-figure.
#5. I cannot think of even one reason that would make delaying Sunny's homecoming worthwhile, but God has not brought her home and I must continue to trust the potter with Sunny - his living, breathing, growing, needy clay.
Jesus, help me not to doubt your goodness. Remind me your ways are higher than mine and that my ache for her is a small portion of YOUR ache for her. Amen.
So, what's your "waiting-mom confession"? Let's bring all our doubts and fears into the light together so they can be conquered and our waiting be made fruitful in every way!