Confessions of a Waiting Mom

Before my list begins let me say,  this is a vulnerable, honest list in hopes that healing fully comes in saying it "out loud". I don't walk around all day feeling every one of these things at one time...but they are all ever present in my flesh. And I pray that others walking through long adoptions will be encouraged when they realize they are not alone in these faults. But that God is working in each of us to complete the good work he has begun...a plan that started while we were yet sinners. He is good. I am not. But he's making something out of me and he will do the same for our Sunny too.


Confessions of a Waiting Mom...

#1: On days when I have many things to get done and two beautiful children at my heals, I often vanish into the imagination of what the day will be like when I realize I can take Sunny home. "Imagination" isn't exactly the right word. I almost go to another place, transcend into another world and fully feel the overwhelming joy and relief that day will bring. I cry like it's really happening right at that moment. A well-written play to be acted out in my mind regularly (drama-queen, I know). This morning I entered that place thinking of the moment Sunny and I step out of pastor's car at the airport realizing I will miss his dear, deep eyes and pleasant smile but relishing that I don't have to leave Sunny ever again. Tears well up at the thought, as the scene plays out in my mind....
And then I snap back to reality...another reason to cry. The time has not yet come.
I don't walk around crying all day, just in case you were starting to feel concerned for me. But I do have those  moments when I imagine Sunny is home and hope has been realized rather than deferred.


Jesus protect my heart from the sickness that comes when hope is pushed back and fill me with joy in the honor I have been given to wait on you. Help me live in the present fully; enjoying the children you have given me as I wait for Sunny to join us. Help me tear down imaginations that can lead to false expectations so I can live in the authentic reality of this journey, worshipping you in this present waiting.



#2: Watching other adoptions move beautifully through to completion for other friends is so beautiful.... But it also stings. I'm jealous they get to move on and enjoy life with their new child while Sunny still has to wait. At the same time, I have a number of friends even further behind in their adoptions....who will wait even longer than we have for Sunny. Perspective is a must-have that is not easily grasped. 


Jesus, give me a heart for every orphan, like your heart. Let me fully rejoice for each one's homecoming. Let me fully devote to pray for those who must wait longer. And help me wait better....selflessly.



#3: I have faith God hears me and sees Sunny and that he will bring her home eventually. But I often doubt he'll really move mountains for us. Sure, I have moments of great, doubtless faith... But after two years of waiting - those two years including watching her face grow and change, it's hard to really believe this is the moment when everything will change and He will make it happen. 


Jesus, increase my faith.



#4: There is a beautiful, godly older orphan who has taken Sunny in at HCRM...she's like Sunny's mom. While I find this good and important and reassuring that she is being watched and cared for, I am also jealous that she gets to be Sunny's mom-figure right now and I grieve when I think of how much Sunny will miss her once home. How can I have so many mixed emotions about this simple act of love? God has provided for Sunny an important, emotional attachment and yet I am wanting that all for myself. The ache is so big. 


Jesus, teach me to trust in your plan even when it hurts. Help me to see that you are loving Sunny well in giving her this precious mother-figure. 



#5. I cannot think of even one reason that would make delaying Sunny's homecoming worthwhile, but God has not brought her home and I must continue to trust the potter with Sunny - his living, breathing, growing, needy clay. 


Jesus, help me not to doubt your goodness. Remind me your ways are higher than mine and that my ache for her is a small portion of YOUR ache for her. Amen.


So, what's your "waiting-mom confession"? Let's bring all our doubts and fears into the light together so they can be conquered and our waiting be made fruitful in every way!


Blessings friends,
Cindy

Sad, Sweet and Healthy

This morning I overheard this:
Libby to Gracie: Do you miss your Ethiopian mom and dad? 
Gracie: yeah.
Recognizing this was most likely something that Libby was struggling with but had diverted to Gracie I asked Libby: "Do you miss your Chinese mom and dad?"
Libby in her little-girl-scared-to-tell-the-truth-voice: No! I love you, mommy.
To which I replied, "Well, I know that, but it's ok if you wonder about your Chinese mom and dad. That is very normal. Do you miss them?"
Libby, still afraid to reveal her deepest thoughts replied: "sort of."

Such are the conversations in an adoptive family. Sad, but sweet. And most importantly, healthy. When I shared this with Billy he asked how a 5 year old could be aware of that kind of thing. Its because we talk about her story and we pray for her biological family so she has words for it. Little ones are more aware of their emotions than we think. If we give them words for it, there is healing. Now she knows I'm not scared or threatened by talking about her feelings for her biological family. And one day, she'll open up completely. For today, this is enough. Makes me cry. Makes my heart ache for her, for the unknown biological family. But it also makes me happy that we were given a glimpse into Libby's heart/world. Trust, light, love.....so good. 

Legacy Bracelets!

I want one!! And I want to buy them for my mom, my sister, my in-laws, my grandma, my best friends! They are that awesome, uh...the people and the bracelets! You can find out more about the bracelets by visiting my sister-in-law's blog where she is doing a one week giveaway of this beautiful bracelet: www.carissagraham.com. Or you can check Legacy Bracelets out on Facebook. They have a page there you can "like".


That's all...just thought it was worth your time to know about Legacy Bracelets and the giveaway this week.... And I'm trying to win one:)

C

I Have No Worries. A Devotion for the Adoption Journey

You can read the entire post for this devotional here, where I'm trying to post a new devotion each month (but I skipped October, sorry!) If you're short on time, here's the cliff notes. It was all inspired by a chapter in a book called "The Jesus Storybook Bible": A song I'm working on says: This is my song declaring I believe The King of kings, He cares for me I have no worries I have no worries This is my song to sing when everything Is crashing in on this belief The One who made me Will meet my every need This is my song. (c) 2011 Poetic Present Songs Maybe you need to remember this today, too. Maybe your adoption journey feels like it will never end. Maybe your emotions for your child-to-be are so heavy you can’t move. Maybe your sense of timing cannot fathom how God’s timing can be right. Maybe your prayers for your child don’t even have words anymore because the journey is just that hard. Maybe you are getting ready to travel to your child’s country and your head is spinning with packing lists and before-travel jitters. Maybe you are about to meet your child’s birthparents and you wonder if you’ll have the right things to say, the right questions to ask. Maybe you are waiting for your first child and you are scared to become a parent. Maybe you owe money for the next step of adoption and you have no idea where the money will come from. The list of maybe’s goes on. While the list of things you could possibly be worrying over never ends, one thing remains true, faithful. Jesus. Your Maker loves you. Your child’s Maker loves him/her. And the story is already written for you both. The only thing missing is a heart ready to sing in the midst of earthly trials, “I have no worries because My Maker loves me and will meet all my needs.” Declare it today. Remind yourself. You have no worries. This is your worship song of trust today.

September 2011...including a trip to Haiti!

September 2011 could be summed up in about 10 separate posts, but here I am cramming it into one. 

 Above: The girls and me just hanging out. I love them more than I will ever have words to describe.

Below: Gracie's first day back to Mom's Day Out. She arrived in style:)

We spent a Saturday morning at a party for one of Libby's friends where the girls rode all sorts of cute rides.

 This face is the sweetest I've ever known.

One day while Libby was in school I had a morning alone with Gracie so we did a little photo shoot of her sassiness...

Below: A little fun at the mall never hurt.

We are always dressing up in fun costumes around here.

After school one day, Gracie fell asleep like this. So sweet.

And then there was my first trip back to Haiti since February. Sunny had grown up so much in the seven months in between. But she didn't forget momma. She was BEAMING and didn't leave my side for at least 24 hours. She held my hand and took me around to see all her friends. It was a blessed re-uniting for a very special week. I went to Haiti in faith that even though we had not exited IBESR yet I could get my embassy appointment done and trust the Lord to deliver us from IBESR soon. 

 First moments back together after 7 months. She's such a sweetheart!

Below: There she is holding my hand...

 The fan was fascinating to her. She has seen them before but I guess because it was small and battery operated she thought it was more like a toy.

 The cell phone is a much sought after item among this crew...

 Oh how I love that smile!

 My newest talent - balloon shaping!

 Me and Stephania. She helps care for Sunny at HCRM. She is precious!

 Above: This is how Sunny and the older girls climb to the top where their room is.

 Gettin' her hair done.

 Sunny still chews on random items, but not near as much as she used to.

 Sleeping sweetly.

 We both look extremely tired here for a reason. It was 4 AM. Why were we up that early, you ask? EMBASSY APPOINTMENT!!! She knew how important this day was and she was EXCITED!

 Above: After Embassy Appointment. Success = RELIEF!

 Hanging with her friends...

 I caught her off guard in this picture, but still even without her smile, she is a beauty.

 Above: This is one of my favorites of her. I gave her that necklace on this trip. It said, "my family makes me whole."

 And there's that smile again!

 Once back home, I hit the road running again. Back to home school and all the fun projects that come with it. This time - self-hardening clay box. Little did I know this was a project for the garage - not my kitchen. Took FOREVER to clean up all that mess.

 Above: Sleeping beauty

Below: Engergizer bunny...also beautiful.

And the best part......... Two days after I returned from Haiti we received the long-awaited news that our papers were finally out of IBESR!!!!!!!! So we celebrated with frozen yogurt at Aspen Leaf, YUM!

 Above: This picture is absolute evidence as to how much the last 7 years of adoption journeys have aged the two of us. My goodness!

Below: The last few pics for this month are of the precious Crawley family. They have 2 bio-sons and 2 adopted girls, one from Ethiopia and one from China. Our adoption stories are kind of woven together. The Lord used our family to confirm they were called to adopt from Ethiopia. Andy and Alli are serious about the Lord and they knew they were called to adopt special needs. When we went to ET to pick up Gracie we had the honor of meeting the Crawley family's girl (Addi) and pray over her. At that time she couldn't walk. A few months after she arrived home she began to walk. A few months after that the Crawley's were called to adopt a girl from China with brittle-bone disease. They named her Sunny. She is precious.  Long story short, Alli did not know we were adopting from Haiti when she kept having a dream of a young girl. She heard we were adopting and thought the dream might be about our daughter. I sent her a picture of then, Keemberlie, and it was the girl in Alli's dreams and she was bright and radiant. I later decided that "Sunny" should be Keemberlie's name as well because her disposition is very bright and sunny. And it seemed fitting that our 2 daughters should carry the same name.

The Crawley family came to San Antonio to finish Sunny's re-adoption and we had the chance to see them for the first time since before they ever brought Addi home from ET. It was a blessed time with amazing friends.

 Above: This is beautiful Addi.

Below: Beautiful Sunny Crawley.

Above: Catcher and Libby

Below: The Footes and Crawleys

It was also during the month of September that we received a firm word that Billy was being accepted for a new job. Trinity Fellowship in Amarillo has asked Billy to come on staff as Pastor of Composition. He will be developing a team of songwriters for the church and writing for the church. Its an awesome opportunity for Billy! More about this in a later post...

October is next!