All At Once

We have been waiting for Sunny's visa appointment to be issued for over two weeks. I never anticipated a delay at this point in the process. Loving friends and family ask me how I'm doing. I never know how I'll respond. Sometimes I easily express that its hard but we're doing just fine. Other times I burst in tears. But here's what is really going on inside my heart...too much to say in passing...

ALL AT ONCE
All at once
A caged lion roaring for release
Calling for justice to rise from the horizon into the fullness of day
An elephant on my chest, the full pressure, shortness of breath
By the mercy of God, not crushed.
The end of a long training
Like a runner before the sound of the gun
Like a boxer before the bell has rung
Bouncing, shaking out the nerves
Amping up for the energy required
To complete the race.
And fatigue before its really begun.

All at once
Anticipation at its height
Discouragement's intimidating stare from the corner
Hope filling me up
Wrestling with anxiety
Winning and losing, winning and losing
Breathe.
Lifted eyes, from the problem to the solution,
Jesus.
Over and over again, call Him, "Jesus."
Like trying to keep perfect posture, its difficult
I naturally forget
Worry whispers, but Spirit is louder.
 "Shut it down", he says.
I wonder why it had to be like this,
Why so long, why so hard
I must imprison those thoughts,  make them right
Renew my mind...Help me trust.

All at once
I hold my two at home.
I comfort.
I teach.
I give.
All. day.
Its work: keeping my anxious thoughts at bay,
To be present for the ones already here.
Its so hard, they sense it.
My anxiety becomes their problem.
I cry from the punches of inadequacy and discouragement.
I'm empty by sunset, bruised at heart.
Refuel by the Word or cry myself to sleep,
Or both.

All at once
Its hunger to be Sunny's mother
Now.
And fright.
And anger...anger at both governments
How inefficient they are,
How unaware or uncaring they seem to be for the orphan
Where is liberty? Where is justice and freedom for the godly, the lonely?
And its selfishness
I'm completely focused on this one thing. Unaware of others.
Praying less for the things that really matter. Praying for what I want now.
Shortness of temper with my family.
Why does it take so much effort to see the whole picture...
Break my tunnel vision?

All at once
Its mercy, new every morning like fresh baked bread
It smells good and it satisfies
And its grace, from God, from family, from friends
For myself, toward others
And its peace,
Ever present even in the midst of all the expectancy
And its companionship, with the One who resides in me
Who speaks to me...or doesn't
Sometimes He's quiet.
Lately, I'm quiet. No more words.
Either vacant of emotion or full of it. Little in between.
Always surprising, even me.
But He's here.

All at once
Its humility, its turning things back
Handing them over
Realizing my dependency on promises
And supernatural power.
Curiosity, what is she thinking? How is she doing?
What day will she be home?
"Curiosity killed the cat," you say.
Its not going to kill me, but it does keeps trying.
Its love. Love never fails, never quits.
I'm not quitting.

All at once
My family.
Its wiping away their tears
When all I want to do is cry.
Taking on their pain, their concerns
Because they've taken on mine.
Its relieving them of the burden,
The one I also keep laying down

All at once
Its imagining seeing her again,
Sunny.
Announcing to her she is coming home
Picturing her face
Measuring my relief,
Gallon by gallon of joy.
Realizing that moment is yet again deferred.

But all at once
it will be over
And we'll start the new life walk
Hand in hand.
To wholeness
Whole family, Holy parenting,
To grow whole children
Forever.