Tuesday, October 05, 2010

He is My Strength

You want to know a little of the raw truth about adoption? Here goes...

Every adoption, for me, comes with a season of weariness in the journey. That season is now upon me. In my flesh I have thoughts like, "How did I get into this mess?" "Can I stick this journey out to see its end?" "I don't want to travel abroad and leave my family again." "How long, Lord, how long?" All of these thoughts walk the fine line that can lead to a mindset of grumbling, doubting, and discouragement if left unchecked. And when I'm weary, things can easily go unchecked. That's just the way Satan works. He kicks us when we're down in hopes that we will not get back up in time for this particular battle or the next.

Well, fortunately, I have this person living in me called the Spirit of Jesus. If you are not a follower of Jesus you are thinking I am one crazy lady. If you know Jesus, you know right where I'm headed. The Spirit of Jesus, in my unchecked, weary soul, these last two weeks, has been calling out to me things like, "I created you for this." "I'm bigger than this" "Look at me, I'm the lifter of your head, I'm you're victory". "I started this, I'll finish this. Do you trust me?"

And when I finally chose to listen to that voice my weariness became a place for His great strength to make its debut. In my brokenness, in my tears, when I literally wanted to shut down and crawl in a dark quiet hole so I could hibernate until the winter is over,  Jesus came -  lifting, loving, gathering and holding me together.  When He started ministering to me in this way I knew clearly that the answer was to draw near to him and pray. I don't always have the words, but I know in His presence, the Spirit is groaning out on my behalf the words my soul longs to say. When the enemy wants to isolate for the purpose of making us lonely, sad, and helpless -  the Spirit of Jesus is wanting to call us away from distraction into his refuge and peace for the purpose of strengthening. Watch out. I'm coming out armed!

Keemberlie's past cannot be changed. But Keemberlie's future, well, that's a different story... And this is why Jesus has taken the time to arm me... to suit me up for battle...

I have been chosen. My family has been chosen. We have been chosen to fight a really good fight!!! 
I'm peaking over the battle lines these days as I find myself on the forefront of it.  I'm looking not to see what might be coming my way so I can dodge it or duck away from it. And I certainly have nothing on my own to fight this battle over Keemberlie's life. I'm looking ahead to see what God is about to overcome!!!! I'm looking ahead so I can see for myself how great is His might! How miraculous are His ways! How lavishing is His love! How devoted is His heart to win this battle while we stand on firmly planted feet and pray with arms stretched toward the heavens!

I want to be Caleb silencing thousands of discouraged voices as I cry out, "He will give us this child! He will do it!" And I want this to be my cry not just during the part of the journey to bring Keemberlie home. I want to be crying this out when she gets home and we're battling the lies her rough life has formed in her mind about food, family, love. I want to be able to rally the troops and say, "God is bigger than this!"

So, want to adopt? Want to feel the weight of unmeasured waiting that brings such weariness you drop to your knees and say, "If I hadn't told so many people about this and if I had not seen that God began this, I would quit!"? It sounds like an awful place because none of us want to feel this way. But that feeling is not the end. It is the beginning of a journey to a place of complete dependence on the Lord, where you get to see with your own eyes His strength wielding its sword and shield and bending its bows and arrows for you and for your child. Talk about a knight in shining armor story!! The King of kings is riding in on His horse setting His mighty angels to action...riding over the territory of Haiti where Keemberlie resides. He is fighting off principalities, demons and the like. And Keemberlie sees Him coming. I am certain she recognizes Him! As she worships, singing out in full voice how good God is there in that dark place of survival. And if she can see Him and call out to Him such praise from where she stands, HOW MUCH MORE should I??

I'm still weary. I'm still in a vulnerable place and I'm going to shed more tears. But this is a good place because His strength is so much greater than my strongest day. His strength is so spectacular, so beautiful. And His strength is directing my prayers, giving me a place of honor in this love story. No greater stories can be told than the ones that end with Jesus rescuing the most helpless and the least! And I get to be a part of it.

Adoption comes at a price. But ransom paid to make light penetrate darkness and love win is the most beautiful thing!

Latest adoption update: Keemberlie's birthmother's death certficate should be in the Pastor's hands tomorrow (Wednesday, Oct. 6) and our paperwork will hopefully enter its last major stop in Haiti next week. The office is known as IBESR. Jesus be in IBESR and be swift!


Lisa said...

Praying for your battle to end quickly and looking forward to God being glorified in your victory.

Rachel said...

I am praying for you, for your familly, for Keemberlie. I wish your familly will be united soon!

ksjones83 said...

I was thinking about the words that you wrote and I am truly grateful for someone to be so honest. I have truly been feeling the battle lately. But I know, and I know that you know, that the battle really is neverending here on earth. Until the day that I arrive and see Jesus face to face I will be in a constant battle. These battles are much harder on us. Especially the battle for a human's life, and not just any human's life but my baby girls! I'm sick of people calling out the negative and reminding me of all the Haitian laws. God told us that we needed to get off our comfy sofa and adopt these two girls! He will see us through this! He will give us the strength it takes to fight this through. When Paul was in prison he praised the name of the Lord! That's what I choose to do! Thank you Cindy for your words of encouragement... going along with the revelation I've been getting from the Lord these last couple weeks, it truly blesses me! Love ya girl!

mammons said...

Cindy, Thank you for sharing this. I have been feeling this way and am so thankful that I have Jesus to help me fight this mighty battle to bring Meline home. There are someday my heart is so heavy that I feel like i can not move, reading your words have been such a blessing. Thank you, praying for you as your journey continues and praying for Keemberlie to be in your loving arms.

Grace and Peace be with you,

Debi said...

Praying for your strength and hope and vision in the battle.
A little song we used to sing a lot:
"Glory, Jesus, glory,
You do the fighting for me,
Praise You Jesus, praise You,
In You there's always victory."
Praying that we would see the salvation of the LORD soon for amazing Keemberlie.
Love and hugs and prayers,

Jennifer Wells said...

I have read this about 5 times since yesterday, have sent it to friends who are on the adoption road, and today read it aloud to my husband. Each time I get tears in my eyes.

For us - for the past year, the hounds of hell have been fighting us even STARTING the adoption journey. And I am peeking over the battle line asking the Lord for rescue and a way through the battle to begin to fight for our children across the world. And I have been weary and hurting - feeling alone and forgotten. Feeling disobedient to the call on my life.

This spoke peace to me today, and yesterday. And it spoke peace to my friends. Thank you for posting. You have become such an encourager and friend to me the past few years. I am grateful to you and for you. I love Facebook for just this reason (and somedays only this reason). You are a light and I am grateful.

Jen Wells

jakeck said...

I met you and Billy years ago at Cornerstone Church,(now White Stone) Knoxville, TN. We are friends with the Zimmerman family. I just recently happened upon your family blog. My how things have changed for you and your family! Wonderful additions I must say! My family is also in the process of adopting from Haiti. Sisters, 14 and 10. We have 2 bio sons, 15 and 17. You can't even imagine what reading this post has meant to me. There are days, many days, I feel totally alone, that I am the only one feeling all the "junk". I know now why I "happened" upon your blog, and am sure I am a new regular. Thanks for your honesty and thank you for your words. They have been such a blessing to me!
jill keck

carissa said...

thanks for this window into what emotions you are going through. i admire your outlook in the midst of waiting! you are bringing glory to Jesus! love you!

Alli said...

Sending you a big hug across the miles! Love you! Praying!

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